Separation Anxiety

     Tristan had the worst separation anxiety from 9months of age to about 2 and ½ years old.  His anxiety when not with mommy or daddy, especially mommy, was part of our autism suspicion. 

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Anxiety in High-Functioning Children with Autism

Alinda Gillott, Fred Furniss, Ann Walter

First Published September 1, 2001 Research Article

https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361301005003005

Article Information PDF download for Anxiety in High-Functioning Children with Autism

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Abstract

High-functioning children with autism were compared with two control groups on measures of anxiety and social worries. Comparison control groups consisted of children with specific language impairment (SLI) and normally developing children. Each group consisted of 15 children between the ages of 8 and 12 years and were matched for age and gender. Children with autism were found to be most anxious on both measures. High anxiety subscale scores for the autism group were separation anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. These findings are discussed within the context of theories of autism and anxiety in the general population of children. Suggestions for future research are made.

     I have talked before about raising my first one on my own and let me tell you folks (if I haven’t already! Hehehe) Ignorance is Bliss, I was young extremely low income and took on both roles of mother and father.  I had an amazing family that I lived with on and off but basically maintained both parental roles. We were and are extremely close so even through puberty and ”The Talk” everything came easily and natural as mother to son!  

    Tristan is my son at 19 and ½ years later and wholly cow I feel like a whole different mom.  First of all, I’m so thankful to not be on my own because I can’t believe how much anxiety and fear-driven I am with Tristan, it’s like every little thing that’s off I imagine the worst.  I also felt whenever I would feel ok about his behaviors and contribute them too being a 2-year-old then someone would alert me to it being an autistic behavior. So finding out that his separation difficulty was yet another sign left me worried and depressed.  

   When Tristan was 1 ½ I preemptively had him placed on the waiting list for New Life PreSchool, which took them as young as 2yrs old and did not have to be potty trained.  That was right up our alley! I never would have been able to afford Preschool for Brandon so I was looking forward to it for Tristan! When Tristan had his first day It was literally my worst day!  He screamed and cried so hard I almost turned around and took him home! They reassured me that if he didn’t calm down they would call me at work. They never did call me that day but he had an extremely hard day!  He cried on and off all day calling for mama, he wouldn’t touch his lunch or snack, and he wouldn’t calm down enough to fall asleep and take a nap. 

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Separation Anxiety and Separation Anxiety Disorder

If your child’s anxieties get in the way of school or other activities, these steps can help to make the separation process easier.

Girl in mothers arms crying

What is separation anxiety?

It’s natural for your young child to feel anxious when you say goodbye. In early childhood, crying, tantrums, or clinginess are healthy reactions to separation and a normal stage of development. Separation anxiety can begin before a child’s first birthday and may pop up again or last until a child is four years old. However, both the intensity level and timing of separation anxiety vary tremendously from child to child. A little worry over leaving mom or dad is normal, even when your child is older. You can ease your child’s separation anxiety by staying patient and consistent, and by gently but firmly setting limits.

Some kids, however, experience separation anxiety that doesn’t go away, even with a parent’s best efforts. These children experience a continuation or reoccurrence of intense separation anxiety during their elementary (primary) school years or beyond. If separation anxiety is excessive enough to interfere with normal activities like school and friendships and lasts for months rather than days, it may be a sign of a larger problem: separation anxiety disorder.

How to ease “normal” separation anxiety

For children with normal separation anxiety, there are steps you can take to make the process of separation anxiety easier.

Practice separation. Leave your child with a caregiver for brief periods and short distances at first. As your child gets used to separation, you can gradually leave for longer and travel further.

Schedule separations after naps or feedings. Babies are more susceptible to separation anxiety when they’re tired or hungry.

Develop a quick “goodbye” ritual. Rituals are reassuring and can be as simple as a special wave through the window or a goodbye kiss. Keep things quick, though, so you can:

Leave without fanfare. Tell your child you are leaving and that you will return, then go—don’t stall or make it a bigger deal than it is.

Follow through on promises. For your child to develop the confidence that they can handle separation, it’s imported you return at the time you promised.

Keep familiar surroundings when possible and make new surroundings familiar. Have the sitter come to your house. When your child is away from home, encourage them to bring a familiar object.

Have a consistent primary caregiver. If you hire a caregiver, try to keep them on the job long term to avoid inconsistency in your child’s life.

Minimize scary television. Your child is less likely to be fearful if the shows you watch are not frightening.

Try not to give in. Reassure your child that they will be just fine—setting consistent limits will help your child’s adjustment to separation.

What is separation anxiety disorder?

Separation anxiety disorder is NOT a normal stage of development, but a serious emotional problem characterized by extreme distress when a child is away from the primary caregiver. However, since normal separation anxiety and separation anxiety disorder share many of the same symptoms, it can be confusing to try to figure out if your child just needs time and understanding—or has a more serious problem.

The main differences between normal separation anxiety and separation anxiety disorder are the intensity of your child’s fears, and whether these fears keep them from normal activities. Children with a separation anxiety disorder may become agitated at just the thought of being away from mom or dad and may complain of sickness to avoid playing with friends or attending school. When symptoms are extreme enough, these anxieties can add up to a disorder. But no matter how fretful your child becomes when parted from you, separation anxiety disorder is treatable. There are plenty of things you can do to make your child feel safer and ease the anxiety of separation.

Symptoms of separation anxiety disorder

Kids with separation anxiety disorder feel constantly worried or fearful about separation. Many kids are overwhelmed with symptoms such as:

Fear that something terrible will happen to a loved one. The most common fear a child with separation anxiety disorder experiences is the worry that harm will come to a loved one in the child’s absence. For example, the child may constantly worry about a parent becoming sick or getting hurt.

Worry that an unpredicted event will lead to permanent separation. Your child may fear that once separated from you, something will happen to maintain the separation. For example, they may worry about being kidnapped or getting lost.

Refusal to go to school. A child with separation anxiety disorder may have an unreasonable fear of school, and will do almost anything to stay home.

Reluctance to go to sleep. Separation anxiety disorder can make children insomniacs, either because of the fear of being alone or due to nightmares about separation.

Physical sickness like a headache or stomachache. At the time of separation, or before, children with separation anxiety problems often complain they feel ill.

Clinging to the caregiver. Your child may shadow you around the house or cling to your arm or leg if you attempt to step out.

     Tristan has been at New Life Preschool for almost a year now.   He goes for 3 half days ( which consists of 7 hours Mon, Tue, Wed) and it took him about 12 weeks to get used to it and not cry for me or not want his lunch ( him not eating was very hard for me to accept and have faith it would get better) there are mornings now where he runs in starts playing and doesn’t take notice to whether I stay or go and I’m like ”where’s my kiss!?” 

What really helped Trist was at about 4 weeks in and still having a rough time we both went to his room on my days off and we both hung out without me leaving. We did that for 2 weeks and his days got much better from there and has only been excelling! 

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