How To Really Help A New Mom?

Do you remember the first time you visited a friend or loved one in the hospital after having a baby? Maybe you weren’t able to meet their new bundle of joy in the hospital– which means that you were probably invited to be a guest in their home days, weeks, or months after mama delivered her baby. I remember my first visit to an uncle’s home several weeks after he and his wife had just had their first and only son. I don’t recall bringing anything to the family other than a onesie and burp cloth that my mom had picked up at Target a few hours before. I was 22 or so years old and had ZERO intentions of having my own children any time soon. 

Meeting a new baby is a fast track to all the feels. I was overwhelmed after meeting my new nephew with just how precious his little features were and how dense and cozy he felt in my arms (10 years pre-Covid, I may add, I don’t even think we had to wash our hands first!) It was a really memorable moment that I wasn’t ready to experience, and thinking back to this day almost a decade later, I can’t help but feel incredibly awful for how poorly we treated my aunt. It’s not as though we mistreated her, we just didn’t do anything to treat her at all. There’s nothing I can do about that day a decade ago, but there’s so much we can do as a society to make sure we treat our mothers better during that sacred postpartum period. It’s not an all-encompassing list, because every mother and baby will require different care and have different preferences, but it’s a place to start! 

For the love of all things holy, ask her what she’s comfortable with.

I didn’t have the luxury of a hospital staff cleaning up after baby and I immediately postpartum with my first. We had our son in a birthing center at 7:55pm, and we were home in bed by 11:00pm the same night. I was not comfortable with guests other than my parents, in-laws and sister in law visiting our home during those first few days and frankly, I wasn’t even comfortable with that, but I did it anyway. No one, and I mean no one has a right to see that baby unless mama gives you direct permission– and when you do receive permission, please be prepared to do something other than hold a baby. More about that later! 

Be prepared to do some chores. 

She’s most likely not going to ask, so you might have to take the initiative on this one. Do whatever dishes are in the sink. Fold all those burp cloths and nursing bras that are fresh out of the drier. Offer to make a meal and spoon feed mama if you have to (she’s likely to be stuck underneath a feeding baby!) If housework just absolutely isn’t your jam, and mama is fed, happy and her house is spotless, consider getting her a cleaning service voucher for a later date. It’ll mean so much more to her than a cheeky onesie. 

And I can’t stress this one enough, bring food. 

If you’re reading this and preparing for a new baby in the family or your circle of friends, asking mama if you can start a meal train is always a good idea. It’s as simple as sending around a calendar to your squad and asking them to fill in the dates and times that they’ll be bringing over food to the family. If this is your first time organizing something like this, visit www.mealtrain.com for a free service that does all the leg work for you! You can even specify what food you’ll be bringing so that there aren’t any duplicates or items outside of the family’s comfort zone. If a meal train is already underway, or mama doesn’t like the idea of others cooking for her, snacks are never a bad idea. Tasty, nutrient dense, and fast are key components here. Something that she can rip open with one hand (because… baby,) shovel in her mouth in between feedings, and something that fills her up. There is no one hungrier and more deserving of snacks than a new mom. 

Make her feel held too. 

New mama probably wouldn’t have invited you to the hospital or her home unless she was comfortable with you holding the baby. Now that that’s out of the way and you know you’re likely to hold that little squish in your arms at some point during your visit, please consider what this woman has gone through before jumping in line for cuddles. She’s probably wearing a diaper that’s much larger and more absorbent than her baby’s. She’s definitely sleep deprived, there’s no question about that. Her body is sore, and she’s probably drenched in milk regardless of whether or not she’s breastfeeding. She’s most likely hungry, and there’s a very good chance that she could use a shower. So when it is your turn to hold the baby, please offer to help her achieve something on her PERSONAL to-do list, whether that’s a hot shower, a quick nap, or a meal to enjoy while she isn’t feeding her baby at the same time. It’s not rocket science, it’s just decency. 

Last but not least, Covid-19 doesn’t have to change any of this. 

If the family isn’t comfortable with in-person visitors because of the pandemic, that doesn’t mean you’re entirely off the hook. Most meal train services have the option to select items like Door Dash, gift certificates to local restaurants that deliver, and grocery delivery services… welcome to the future! Not able to make mama feel better physically in person? Send her a cozy pair of nursing pajamas from somewhere like Kindred Bravely, Motherhood Maternity or even Old Navy! It won’t make up for your inability to be there for her in the flesh, but it’s a wonderful gesture and it’s so much more thoughtful than something for baby to wear. That baby has already been showered with love and gifted with a whole lot of gadgets that they may never use, and footie pajamas that they may never wear. 

Maybe mama was one of those unfortunate parents that had to forgo a baby shower this year. That doesn’t mean you can’t still plan a celebration for her and baby. Sip & see parties were increasingly popular without a pandemic in mind, and can be planned up to 6 months or so after baby is born. Just make sure you’re mindful of mama’s wishes, baby’s sleep schedule (if that’s really a thing with newborns, I haven’t seen it yet,) and make sure to cover all the cooking and cleaning! 

If all else fails and you’re still not sure what you can do to be a considerate guest, always ask! There were times when my mom would run frantically around my house (she still does this) cleaning every nook and cranny after we had our fist. Bless her heart, she helped so much, but there were so many times when I just wanted someone to sit on the couch with in silence while feeding my baby for the hundredth time that day, and guys, it’s hard to explicitly ask someone to do this without them offering first. She may be shy about it at first, but if you ask a mama what it is you can do… trust me… you WILL receive eventually.